Once again, courtesy of my brave (if not foolhardy) mole at the IFRS Foundation, I present a previously-unseen selection of recent correspondence to and from the offices of IASB Chair Andreas Barckow and ISSB Chair Emmanuel Faber. This is sensitive stuff, so please destroy after reading!

Dear Andreas, I’m curious about how well the two of you get on. Do you ever for example just wander into Emmanuel’s office for a casual chat? Somehow I can’t imagine it.

• An excellent question, and rather poignant, because there was indeed a time when I would stop by Emmanuel’s office on a regular basis. But the last time I dropped in, a few months ago, I caught him doing something…well, let me just put it this way, I don’t think that what he was up to was sustainable. I haven’t been back since!

To Emmanuel Faber – you said in an interview that “I believe that global, efficient capital markets are a gift that serves society.” If they’re a gift, how come we need to pay the people who deliver them to us so much money?

• Nicely put! Perhaps I meant that they are a gift from God that serves society primarily by allowing its higher-echelon members to become filthy rich. Perhaps I was hinting at a more complex conception of society than you have in mind. If you knew exactly what I meant by that, then perhaps you would be the head of the ISSB and I would be where I currently imagine you to be, in the middle of nowhere with only your goats for company.

Andreas – I read an interview which said of you – “’I always look on the bright side,’ he says, with a nod to Monty Python.” How much have the Pythons shaped your outlook on standard-setting?

• A question from the upper-class twit of the year if I ever heard one. Be on your way before I slap your face with a fish!

Mr. Faber – given the traumatic way in which you were ousted from your position at the head of Danone, is it possible for you to eat yoghurt nowadays without throwing up?

• I will be honest with you that while I generally steer clear of yoghurt nowadays, there are times when the memory of my glory days comes flooding back and I have an irresistible craving for one of my old products. This caused me recent embarrassment when I was hiding behind my desk wolfing down a six-pack of vanilla Oikos, and my colleague Andreas Barckow suddenly came in and caught me in the act. He hasn’t visited since.

Dear Andreas and Emmanuel – I absolutely love my boyfriend but I feel like he doesn’t care about my feelings and never makes an attempt to resolve issues in our relationship. It is very normal for him to do something that hurts my feelings and instead of taking responsibility for it, apologizing, and working towards a solution, he just acts like nothing happened. I broke down yesterday trying to tell him how I felt when he does this and how it really hurts, I was literally crying, and instead of responding back and having dialogue with me, it was dead silence. I felt so dumb and stupid, and I don’t know if I’m just asking for too much or what. He tells me that he doesn’t say anything because it won’t change anything but I think it’s a cop out for him to not take accountability for the things he does that may hurt people. At least saying sorry and reaching out to make amends would show me he cares about my feelings and wants to do better. Doing nothing at all doesn’t help, it just leaves us with issues unaddressed and me feeling lousy. I’m not perfect but the difference between me and him is I try to address the issue and can apologize when I’ve done something wrong. I want us to both continue to be better but I seem to be the only one who cares to fix things. Sorry, I am I crazy or asking for too much?

• From Andreas – You are of course not crazy, and your boyfriend is at fault, but perhaps the fault is not entirely his own. If I may analogize, those of us on the IASB are intelligent and diligent, but we would stumble regularly in our efforts if not for the extensive support delivered by the staff, the consultative processes, the trustees and other important components of the standard-setting universe. In other words, I suggest you encourage and assist your boyfriend in constructing a personal infrastructure within which he can reach more reliable and relevant emotional decisions. Good luck!
• From Emmanuel – Kick the loser out of your life, like putting down a disgusting Scope 1 emission.

The opinions expressed are, well, you saw. Happy new year!