As an important public service, carried out here without regard for my personal safety, we present another selection of correspondence to and from the office of IASB Chair Andreas Barckow, courtesy of my mole at the IFRS Foundation, another brave fighter for transparency. Please destroy after reading:

Dear Mr. Barckow – just writing in interest and admiration, noting that your term as IASB Chair is up soon, to enquire whether you know what comes next. Will you be expanding the line of Barckow Knits (they’re my favourite!)

Thank you for getting in touch, my dear friend. It appears you missed the year’s upheaval regarding the Barckow-branded clothing line: I will avoid the details, other than to say those workers truly didn’t look like children to me. I may choose to concentrate on less fraught pursuits, such as rekindling my participation in our church’s choral choir, although I do note that the choirmaster has several times told me I don’t need to hurry back. Perhaps I will also spend time better acquainting myself with popular culture – a member of the staff told me I should “really get into the Thursday Night Murder Club,” and then laughed rather cruelly when I innocently remarked that Wednesdays are generally better for me. Whatever the answer, I can promise you one thing –  I won’t be spending another second on that turgid IFRS 17 nonsense!

Hey Barckow, Paul Atkins here at the SEC with your daily reminder that we’re watching you, and if we see you so much as look over at that woke loser Emmanuel Faber, it’ll be a step closer to doomsday for your crappy little foundation. Don’t bark up the wrong cow, and hail Trump! PS That jacket you wore for your last speech was as ugly as a Democrat’s daydreams, just saying.

Dear Paul As always, your communications cause me some anxiety, but I do my best to balance between my official mandate here, and your exacting demands. By the way, speaking of cows, I assume the unpleasant item I received this morning in the mail was sent by you or your minions, noting the Washington postmark. If our interactions cannot be entirely harmonious, I hope they may at least be substantially odour-free.

AB – please settle a bet – boxers or briefs? Thanks a bunch

Your question is a little personal, but I will respond as a contribution to your finding closure: boxers for quieter days in the office, briefs for meeting days (red briefs for meetings of the IASB and for any get-togethers during the second half of December, primarily black for other gatherings).. And of course, when I meet with the trustees, commando-style!

Andreas Barckow. We enclose a videotape which will be made public unless we receive, within three days, half a million dollars in cash, details of delivery to be provided. If you agree to these terms, post a happy face emoji and a photo of Sydney Sweeney in the comments section of the following website (redacted).

I concede that the videotape is intensely embarrassing, and I do not know what possessed me to speak the words “IFRS 12” when I meant to say “IAS 39.” Still, on deep reflection, I decline to pay, accepting that the tape will be made public and that my reputation will be deeply and permanently sullied. I only hope for a measure of sympathy and tolerance. This decision is further informed by my lack of understanding of your mysterious references to “happy face emoji” and “Sydney Sweeney” (although I think the latter may refer to one of the gentlemen who last serviced my swimming pool – I’m almost certain at least that his first name was Sid).

Dear Mr. Barckow. I’m embarrassed to be writing to you about this, but I don’t know who else to ask. I’m an inexperienced seventeen-year-old currently on the verge of experiencing my “first time.” Can you give me some advice?

Your request is a little cryptic to me but I assume you are preparing your first set of financial statements in compliance with IFRS. As such, I extend to you my heartiest congratulations – few seventeen-year-olds achieve anything so fulfilling, I might even say rapturous. As such, the main resource required for your first time is a comprehensive reading of IFRS 1 First-Time Adoption of IFRS. (Also, because you never know, a pack of condoms.)

To Andreas Barckow – my friends and I are holding a ceremonial burning of IFRS books on the last Saturday in January and we wondered if you would be able to attend. We’ll have a keg!

I very much appreciate your kind offer but I must decline with regret as I’m already overbooked for that week, with four other IFRS book burnings, three ceremonial floggings and an SEC tongue-lashing. Perhaps next year! I’ll bring gummies!

A very decent fellow, obviously. Well, that’s it for this time. Happy new year!

The opinions expressed…well, what does it look like…?