Regular readers may recall that a year ago, courtesy of my mole at the IASB, and without regard for my personal safety, I broke through a never-before-penetrated wall of secrecy and published a treasure trove of correspondence to and from the office of Chair Hans Hoogervorst. Here now, obtained at equal risk, is a further batch of such correspondence, offering a unique insight into the complex world of standard-setting.

Dear Mr. Hoogervorst IFRS has me in such a state lately that I can hardly sleep, and when I do, I often wake up in the middle of the night dreaming that I’m being eaten alive by IFRS 9 (usually with an election to send my bloody remains through other comprehensive income). What can I do to find peace?

I certainly feel your pain, as I have also frequently suffered from IFRS-related nightmares. In my case, they usually involve my legs being identified as an embedded derivative and forcibly bifurcated from the rest of me – I wake up in the coldest of cold sweats. One of my fellow Board members offered some advice to alleviate these visions, but as it involved sacrificing a goat, I have yet to try it out. I do sometimes find though that it helps before going asleep to think of myself as an element of goodwill, incapable of being separately identified and recognized, and thus safe from the scheming demons.

Hans, sir I am well-advanced (1,500 pages already!) on writing an epic fantasy novel, Debits and Dragons, based on the premise of a complex alternative universe gripped by a centuries-long battle over accounting standards. I am enclosing the first fifty pages and would love to have your feedback.

Sadly, I have to return your pages without reading them as your project sounds too similar to my own work in progress (although much shorter and no doubt less ambitious!) For what it’s worth, I will pass on the succinct feedback I received to date from my agent: dial back the non-GAAP measures, turn up the sex!

Chairman H – why did the IASB member cross the road?

Rather than speculate, I asked the IASB member in question to explain her actions. She explained to me that this was the only way to escape from fellow Board member Martin Edelmann’s endless droning on about his supposedly “world-class” collection of Van Morrison albums. So, mystery solved!

To Hans Hoogervorst: I know the IFRS Foundation has a plan to completely overhaul its technology system. Wouldn’t it be wonderful to underline this initiative by appointing, a few years from now, the first robotic board member?

My dear friend, I think you’re a little out of touch. By my count, we’ve already had five or six!

Mr. hans – I’ve been wanting to dye my black hair blonde for a few months now and I had a hair consultation with a stylist last week and she basically told me I couldn’t dye my hair blonde because of my “asian/latina hair” and that the process will just damage my hair. However, some friends of mine have told me to get a second opinion because it seems strange that she wouldn’t be able to dye my dark hair blonde and I’ve been reading articles that tell me it’s definitely possible for me to go blonde so I’m wondering if the stylist I spoke to just doesn’t know how to work with thick/dark hair or she’s just racist? lmfao or she’s being honest?? idk I totally understand that the process of dying my hair blonde will be more intensive since my hair is very dark and I’m aware that my hair will get somewhat damaged due to all the chemicals going into it, but the stylist made it seem like it was impossible for my hair to be blonde, that it’ll just go orange? Mr. hans do you have any input? Lol

I was fascinated and moved by your message. On many occasions, I have been told that some goal of mine was impossible – for example, that recognizing leases on the balance sheet would, figuratively speaking, make the capital markets turn orange. But we persevered, and now we have the shiniest, most wondrous-looking balance sheets of our lifetime. On the specific point you raise, my hair colouring experiences are a little more straightforward (lol!) so I took the liberty of raising the matter at our most recent Board meeting. You will be pleased to know that 13 members agreed that you should follow your dream and find a more capable stylist. The remaining member filed a five-page dissent concluding that your hair will indeed go orange, followed by baldness, and probable death. So, armed with that information, you decide (lol!)

So I think we can all agree that material was worth the risk. Happy pending holidays!

The opinions expressed are…well, I don’t know…